Dear Anderson,
Thank you for always saying the things I think but am too afraid to say. Thank you for having standards for your reality programming. Standing in post-tsunami morgues, seeing bodies in the street being eaten by rats – these things honed your sense of what is right, fed your rage, rage that must be focused against the travesty that is Living Lohan.
The white Oprah must be stopped.
Love always,
Double Vision
Dear Diary,
Today was totally awesome. I accomplished so many important things and I want to list them, because when I am dead and gone, there needs to be something else in theTyra Banks Memorial Presidential Supermodel Library of Fierceness besides my old weaves and leftover barbecued ribs.
1. Demonstrated the difference between smiling with my whole face and smiling only with my eyes. Ripped out and ate the still-beating hearts of people who claimed they could not see the difference.
2. Created new challenge for next season of Top Model. Girls will be forced to pose naked while splashing around in underground raw sewage pipe. Shit is the new meat underpants, y’all. Hepatitis is the new fierce.
3. Strapped down the girls and spent a day being a flat-chested woman. Cried on my show because I KNOW NOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE AN A-CUP, AND IT IS AWFUL. Wept throughout the intro on my show because of the horrible prejudice I experienced. Only benefit – no one looked at my non-existent chest and instead could focus on how I was smiling, BUT ONLY WITH MY EYES.
4. Later, cried on my talk show while holding the hands of flat-chested girls during the guest segment. I KNOW HOW IT FEELS NOW.
3. Gave up on Oprah dream.
4. Instead, sucked out Michelle Obama’s soul and squeezed body into her fierce shift dresses. Michelle Obama is the new Oprah.
Love always,
Tyra
“You realize if this actually happens, I have retire from going to the movies after I see it.”
“Yeah, I gathered as much. Skank.”
