Google Trends

I recommend subscribing to the site feed for Google Trends.

If you’re not familiar with Google Trends, it’s the internet equivalent of your nosy retired neighbor. You know who I mean – the one who sits on their porch all day, observing the neighborhood goings-on, and then reporting the scandalous events in hushed tones to anyone that might walk by. Google Trends has not yet hijacked my HOA meeting with tales of the loud parties at the “rental” down the street, but I’m sure that will happen eventually.

This is the easiest, most cost-effective way to be completely all up in people’s business. Better yet, you’ll never meet these people, so sitting in judgment of them will make you feel a whole lot less guilty. You’ll come across virgins, vampire killers , members of the OPRAH! cult, and my mom, just to name a few.

You’ll also learn that way too many people are interested in “Miley Cirus Underpants, “hot teen Luvin” and “Snoop Dogg Mormon”.

The weekend in numbers

Times I ate tofu: 2

Loads of laundry done: 9

Rooms scrubbed from top to bottom: 3

Dogs that stink from all the rain: 2

Dogs that think it is awesome to rub said stink all over my clean laundry:  1

Dogs that have to pee but refuse to let their paws touch the wet ground, thus resulting in them standing by the door, whining to go outside, but then refusing to leave the back porch: TOO MANY

Times one dog got peed on by the other because he lifted his leg on her face as she was sniffing his business while he was in the act:  NOT ENOUGH

Insane, two hour long meals consumed at Patina: 1

Dollar cost of said meal: three digits. It got out of hand.  Embarrassingly so for four people.

Regret at cost of meal on a scale of 1-10: 6. The food was damn good. But I also like a peanut butter sandwich.

Martinis consumed during said meal: 3

Intense conversations had as result of said alcohol consumption: 1

Friends seen: 4

Vacations committed to for 2009: 1

Conversations had about mushrooms: too many

Times I participated in conversations about mushrooms: 0

Number of kids under the age of eight that will be in our beach house this summer: 6

Amount of bourbon my husband will need to survive it: I’m buying an IV stand.

Times I realized that I don’t want the attendees at my funeral to be a Starbucks cup and a Blackberry: 1

Times I tried to explain exactly what it is I do at work but failed: 2

Amount of rain that fell: I’m buying a houseboat.

Simple as Do Re Mi

A – ADVOCATE FOR: animals, civil rights, free speech

B – BEST FEATURE: my sense of humor, which a boss once termed “subversive and highbrow”. HA! My love of fart jokes and pratfalls says otherwise. (Just by writing this blog post, I should say “my massive ego which makes me think the internet cares about any of this.”)

C – COULD DO WITHOUT: water-boarding, Ray Romano, skinny jeans

D – DREAMS & DESIRES: I’m really pretty happy. The same as anyone else, I guess – good health for me and those I love, career success, etc. Also, I’d like to find a store that consistently carries a 10.5 in all shoes.

E – ESSENTIAL ITEMS: Strong coffee, European butter, jungle phone, Kiehl’s lip balm, Aveda Hand Relief, huge bag, Sirius stiletto, wheaten terrier.

F – FAVORITE PAST TIME: I enjoy reading, writing, photography and taking my dogs for long walks off short piers.

G – GOOD AT: functioning in a crisis not involving my husband or dogs, diagramming sentences, eliminating inefficiency, sleeping, estimating room service bills from the discarded plates in the hallway. I’m also talented at stopping dogs from having diarrhea.

H – HAVE NEVER TRIED: camping. Unless you count the time I went with the Girl Scouts and called my parents to come pick me up eight hours later. I don’t count it, as I’ve blocked that horrible experience out of my mind. Did you know they have bugs, bugs that just come in to your tent, which is on the hard, cold ground and does not contain a bed or a toilet? Who does this?

I – IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS: I would invest most of it, maybe buy a bigger house. Pay off my husband’s law school loans. Travel. But mostly try to make it into more than a million dollars. You can’t live off a million bucks anymore. Thanks, Bernanke! I have always wanted a monkey, though.

J – JUNKIE FOR: Satellite radio, Aveda, unheated chocolate fudge pop tarts, Paulaner Hefewiezen, Bravo Reality shows

K – KINDRED SPIRIT: My best friend from high school. We don’t see each other as often as we should, we don’t talk as often as we need to, but she knows me from back before I knew who I was, and that counts for a hell of a lot.

L – LITTLE KNOWN FACT: I am 15% deaf in my left ear.

M – MEMORABLE MOMENT: The day I quit my last job. I’ve never felt quite so good.

N – NEVER AGAIN WILL I: do a kegstand

O – OCCASIONAL INDULGENCE: Massages. Very occasional. Once a year if I remember to schedule one.

P – PROFESSION: the managing of projects

Q – QUOTE: Is this supposed to be my favorite quote? I’m going with the song lyric stuck in my head at the moment which is “What’s so great about the barrier reef? What’s so fine about art?”

R – REASON TO SMILE: The sun came out today.

S – SORRY ABOUT: Living so far away from my family. It’s really hard sometimes.

T – TAG SOME FRIENDS: None of my friends have blogs. Instead they have lives, or as they like to call them, “children”. This blog is way easier to maintain, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had to wipe poop off its ass and I don’t have to put it through college.

U – UNINTERESTED IN: American Idol, knitting, pointless meetings about things that truly could be handled in an email, anything George Bush has to say, smoking, Budweiser products

V – VERY SCARED OF: Ventriloquist dummies, small enclosed spaces, Celine Dion

W – WORST HABIT: biting my nails, being so damn stubborn, thinking an apple and a pop tart constitute lunch

X – X MARKS MY IDEAL VACATION SPOT: Snake River Lodge, Jackson Hole, Wyoming

Y – YUMMIEST DESSERT: I am a sucker for Ray’s. It’s problematic, because I am lactose intolerant and my pants would fit better if it wasn’t across the street from my house.

Z – ZODIAC SIGN:Aquarius

I put the last three days on notice

I’m just glad we got out of this weekend alive.

A dead duck day

When I started this week, I didn’t think it would end up with me sleeping on the floor next to a dog in pain and distress because it was the only way to calm him, then worrying about a really sick husband, the man who never, ever gets even a cold, and finally winding it up with a $400 vet bill that means “hey, you know how you just brought your dog in because one of the other dogs he was playing with bit him? And you know all along we’ve been telling you that your dog just has a sensitive stomach? Well, there’s this rare and eventually fatal disease specific to his breed that he has a bunch of the symptoms for, so maybe we should test him for that even though you mentioned it to the other vet when you first brought him here when we treated him for worms? And you can wait a week for the results.  But don’t freak out.  And certainly don’t cry the whole way home.”

Screw you, universe.  Between last week’s death in the family and cancer scare for another family member, we’ve had enough. Leave my husband alone.  It’s only Thursday.