Obviously

“You have to go kill that bug over there on the curtain.”

“Why do I have to do it?”

“Because I’m not wearing pants.”

I heart New York (specifically how you handled my luggage)

There will be a long post forthcoming containing some helpful tips I gleaned from our Sunday travel nightmare. However, I felt the immediate need to tell the world that the whole “angry New Yorker stereotype” is a load of crap.

I have never met airport workers, all of them New Yorkers, as helpful or pleasant as the ones at Laguardia yesterday. In the midst of a massive quagmire, every single one of them went out of their way to help us. I shout out special love to the nice sky caps who directed us to the awesome, secret underground baggage men searching in the pouring rain for the truck containing the baggage destined for our canceled flights. While the rain ruined our day, they were actually stuck out in it. Also, I send good karma to Charlie, the friendly rental car shuttle driver who not only made us laugh, but also spent quite some time making sure we had the correct directions to the interstate.

I have nothing to say about any airline-specific employees who helped us. Because none of them did. Because even though we were in an actual airport, with actual planes, and computers selling tickets, and people with access to those computers selling tickets, we still had to call the automated reservation number and wait forever, only to make the correct realization that the only chance of getting home was to rent a car and drive. The most insane part? I had to call US Air to get a refund on my Delta ticket. Wait until you hear that cautionary tale tomorrow, people. I am not making this up.

I also would like to thank the Amazing Race, because it is the reason I felt so strongly about a well-executed backup plan. And Anderson Cooper, because you are the Coop, and the replay of your debate on CNN in the wee hours kept us awake and laughing at the concept of President Kucinich.

But mostly, I would like to tell the world that my husband was the perfect traveling partner yesterday. We did not yell at each other. There was no fighting. There was only “you do this while I do this” and suddenly, after what seemed like six days and six million dollars of tolls in the Jerz alone, we were home with our dogs in tow.

I need your help

Today, I ate some leftover pizza for lunch. I transported my pizza to work in a plastic ziploc bag, and I found that after I heated it up, the crust tasted like…a plastic bag. I find this happens to me often when I put stuff into a ziploc or a plastic cup.

Anyone else out there every have this happen, or is my husband correct in telling me that I am insane? Seriously, internet, help!

Do not go gentle into that cell phone store.

If you were a customer waiting around in a particular cell phone store and service location in Short Pump about three hours ago, I apologize for the massive, embarassing, and spectacular temper tantrum that I threw. I know someone there who saw me went home and wrote a blog about how this crazy bitch with an inflated sense of entitlement wearing NO bracelets (gasp) demanded a new cell phone. They would be 100% correct. Just don’t forget to mention that I have really good hair.

I tried to be polite. Really, I did. I was nice and non-threatening, and explained the situation (my phone is defective and drops every other call no matter what, but after three previous visits to the tech department, there is no actual cause of the problem that they can see. So can I please have a phone that works or a refund) and that I paid a crazy amount of money for this phone, when a better investment clearly would have been a big pile of wood and some matches to send up smoke signals. They would be more effective at the moment than me trying to place a call from my living room.

I started out civil and pleasant, until I was told in an incredibly snotty and disaffected tone by the customer service rep that really, when it comes down to it, they wouldn’t be giving me any sort of decent customer service today. And I could certainly take my phone to the tech people and pay them 50 buckaroos to have them check the phone again, but as they said before there was nothing wrong with it, and there was absolutely no way I could get a new, replacement phone. Because I “probably just live where there is no service.”

After nicely explaining that I actually live just down the street, and that also, I had no actual service while standing INSIDE the cell phone store itself, perhaps the coverage area was not the case, and could I please for the love of god just have a new phone?

I was told, nope, sorry. I asked for the manager.

Sure, I could talk to the manager, but nothing was going to change, because I got the phone six months ago. And the warranty expires after 30 days, so I would just be wasting my time. And then turned her head and she rolled her eyes.

That was when the shouting and banging of the non-functional cell phone on the customer service counter began. And then I was asked to come to the back of the store. Ostensibly, this was so the tech person could test my phone, but I really think it was because of the scene I was creating. After twenty minutes of histrionics, the manager finally saw my point or feared that I was off my meds, and agreed to have the warehouse ship me a brand new phone.

Sometimes, you just have to get mad and throw things

Rage, rage, against the dying of customer-satisfaction-first business models.

Oh, the internets, you are vast

Someone found this blog by searching for “no soliciting especially jesus freaks.” If the person who ran that search ever comes back here again, please let me say to you that you are wonderful and I think we could really have something special if you just give it a chance.

However, I feel I must say to the person who found their way here by searching for “does the Philadephia zoo have metal detectors?”, if you do anything to hurt the polar bear, my sister will end you. I feel like I should alert the police.

And finally, to the crazy fool who searched for “I’m flashing my boobs at college graduation,” I must ask you please to cease and desist, because my husband is going to read that such things happen and suddenly have the urge to go back to college. Between the two of us, we have given UR enough money for six lifetimes, so the kibosh, it has been put forth. Put your funbags away.

You’re On Notice

Bring on the jokes about the Grand Tetons

In exactly two months, I will be packing my bags and heading here with my husband for five days.

It was like reliving core class all over again

Topics discussed at our yard sale by the fascinating and somewhat long-winded people who showed up and poked through our books:

1. The history of the electric car and the conspiracy started by GM to never let them be produced for the general public
2. German Romaniticism, French Romanticism and Chateaubriand
3. Social Darwinism as employed by the current administration
4. Shakespeare the man – real or a fictional construct?
5. Whether or not any wars were ever waged on behalf of Buddhism
6. The major tenets of Islam and how they have been convoluted
7. Why no one wants to buy a vacuum no matter how good a deal they could get because everyone already owns a vacuum
8. Exactly what kind of dog Gus is (answer: cute, slightly slow on the uptake, tries really hard to do the right thing but constantly does the wrong thing, loves cheese and female brittany spaniels)
9. Why you should never give your neighbors a free plant stand and should instead make them pay for it because the spirit of yard sales is about making money even though you would have thrown the plant stand in the garbage later on that day

I could not make this up if I tried.