Most people crave ice cream, or chocolate, or alcohol.
I will admit to craving all of those things, and on some occasions, craving all of them at once.
But today I came home and thought to myself, “Man, I could really eat some haluski.”
Haluski, or officially, Haluski Kapusta, is noodles and cabbage fried in butter.
Sometimes, I’m so Eastern European that Russians invade my house.
A haiku series for my husband, the birthday boy
Remember when you
Used to play those party games
And wear silly hats?
Kids, candles, and hats
No longer required
Beer is the new cake.
You pin the tail on
Callie the wheaten monster
And she’ll bite your ass.
Dogs do not quite get
The concept of birthday gifts.
She got you a bone.
Half-chewed and mushy
Giving it is sacrifce
It came from the heart.
You got new golf clubs
And new tools for home repair
I hope you like them.
The big two-seven
What’s special about it?
You’re closer to death.
Why is it virtually impossible for me to eat chips and salsa without getting any on my shirt?
Why am I craving a Crystal Palace chili dog so badly I might cry?
Why is my iPod trying to make me commit suicide by playing in succession: Damien Rice, Nick Drake, Elliot Smith, John Lennon, Nirvana?
I blame Steve Jobs. For all of it.
Today while waiting in line for my yuppified latte, a young, tired, and rather stressed-out man who looked to be just out of college came up to me and asked me if I was paying for my coffee in cash. I replied with “Um, how is that your business?”
It turns out he was about out of gas and had lost his wallet and was just trying to get home (or so he claimed) . All he had on him was a Starbucks gift card, and he wanted to buy my coffee with the gift card and take the cash I would have spent for gas so he could get to where he was going.
In the ten seconds in which I considered, a few things ran through my head:
1. Terrorists use gift cards to launder money for bad things. I saw it on Anderson Cooper 360, so it is fact. What if he was trying to buy bomb components with my coffee money?
2. Well, he doesn’t really look like a terrorist. Maybe he was a drug addict and stole the gift card from someone to use for drug money.
3. Well, he really doesn’t look like a drug addict. But he might be a scam artist.
4. Damn, Kristin, you are so fucking cynical. This is the South. People are nice here and tell the truth. The guy may have actually lost his wallet and run out of gas. That sounds like something you would do, for Chrissake. It’s Starbucks. Who begs for drug money in a Starbucks?
Considering that four dollars was the sum total of the cash I would be giving him, I decided to go against my first inclination, which was to tell him to fuck off. I said, ok, that’s fine, and proceeded to order my drink.
At this point, possible drug addict/terrorist said to me as he was paying: “Three dollars? Don’t you want some food or something? Three dollars isn’t going to cut it. I need a lot of gas.”
To which I replied with disgust: “Here’s five. Just take it and go.”
I left right after he did, and watched him get into his car.
HIS GIGANTIC, ENVIRONMENT-DESTROYING, GAS-GUZZLING CHEVY TAHOE.
Has it come to this? Has the Short Pump SUV-driving contingent finally reached the point where they can’t afford to put gas into their tanks for the drive to work and instead must panhandle and bargain with their gift cards?
That is the last fucking time I ever disregard my instincts. And please don’t tell my dad I gave drug money to a terrorist.
(Cue the dulcet tones of James Lipton.)
1. What is your favorite word?
Ubiquitous
2. What is your least favorite word?
No
3. What turns you on creatively?
Chaos
4. What turns you off?
Stupidity
5. What is your favorite curse word?
Shit
6. What sound or noise do you love?
Rain hitting the roof
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
Telephone ring
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Rock star
9. What profession would you not like to do?
Advisor to George W. Bush
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
“No shit. You made it.”
We anxiously await Inside the Actors’ Studio: Hasselhoff
When discussing my anxiety about the headache that will not die, I actually said to my dear husband:
“It’s entirely possible could just be having a spell.”
To which he replied:
“Or it could be the consumption.”
Just when I recovered from the-greatest-email-ever-induced vapors…
Now I must take my leave for some blood-letting and trepanation. The trepanation is starting to sound like a valid possibility right now, actually.
And Lisa, I love you forever for your suggestion that I “just you know, stop using your eyes.”
You’d think after 27 years of living with messed-up vision and a laundry list of eye problems, that I wouldn’t be in denial.
You’d think that after five major operations and twice as many minor procedures, that I wouldn’t be in denial.
You’d think.
But I have convinced myself that having a migraine for four days and not being able to see the TV at night and having to close my left eye to do anything is simply a result of the fact that I went to the movies twice in one week.
Right?
Call the doctor? They will tell me, as they have told me the last two visits that there is not a whole lot they can do anymore. Go see a better doctor? I see the best one on the East Coast, the head honcho at the one of the most progressive hospitals in the country. There are no better doctors.
Denial is an opiate and I am an addict.
I have officially had a headache now for three days. The good news is that it is going away today. I can stand up and function!
The real person suffering here is my husband, because I have either been really bitchy or dead asleep since Sunday morning. Poor guy.
How do I know it’s not a brain tumor? I don’t, but after five eye surgeries and 22 years of headaches like this, it’s a good bet it’s related to my lack of optical muscle control and screwed up visual nerves.
Someone asked me what it was like to have a headache so bad you have to go to bed for two days, because “I can’t really imagine it’s that bad” so here is the answer for the person that made that comment:
Imagine taking a big C-clamp, inserting your head in it, and then turning it just tight enough so that your skull does not crack. Then imagine someone is taking a hammer and banging on the clamp at three second intervals. Then imagine how your stomach feels when you eat bad seafood. Next, imagine what it feels like to see two separate images out of each of your eyes and not be able to fuse them into one single image…..but all your brain does is try to get them to fit together. It’s the equivalent of what you see on a bad TV when you have a jumpy picture 0nly it does not stop.
I once had several fingernails and the entire top layer of skin ripped off my left hand in a amusement park accident and then had it stuck by some urgent care idiot into a bowl of betadyne. I have had stitches put in my eye with minimum anesthesia while awake. I broke two toes and cracked two joint bones in my foot, put my sneaker on, and taught all day before it hurt badly enough to go to the hospital. So if I say I have a headache bad enough to make me go to bed for two days, then I really mean it.
A play in one act by Kristin and Lisa, condensed from our outing this evening.
K: I have been thinking all week about my realization of my intense love of men who don’t shower and/or wear eyeliner. I am concerned, as they are nothing like my husband, who I love more than anything in this world. I am not sure what this means about me.
L: It’s ok. Really. The Johnny Depp love is understandable. We all suffer from that glorious affliction. And you and your husband are the most perfect pairing ever.
K: I know, but it just became apparent to me that I might have a split personality. It’s just some subversive thing left over from my rebellious days.
L: Well, if it makes you feel better, I think Jesus can be hot.
K: Jim Caviezel as Jesus, or actual Jesus?
L: Both.
K:Hmm.
L: Did you see Velvet Goldmine?
K: YES!
K and L in Unison: CHRISTIAN BALE!
K: That is who was missing. Christian freaking Bale.
L: Laurie from Little Women Christan Bale?
K: Well, yes. of course, but also American Psycho Christian Bale, especially the part when he was actually killing people.
L: That’s subversive and hot.
L: I will have to show you the Carvaggio with Hot Jesus.
K: Ok.
L: Do you think we can hang that Rolling Stone up at work?
K: It might sexually harrass people.
L: Oh.
K: But I can fire them before it gets to that point.
L: You should. (While looking at pictures) You had quite a stable of men you dated in college.
K: Yes, but once I met Shane, that was it. I fell so hard it’s amazing I survived without injury being the klutz that I am.
L: See, you love him like that in spite of the fact that he showers and does not wear makeup. That is true love.
K: The heart wants what it wants. And I certainly want to be married to a man who showers.
L: Amen to that. Do you have any caffiene?
