Sink -1. Jimison - 0.

I am currently observing my dear husband attempt to fix our kitchen faucet. The sprayer hose is somehow stuck in the on position in such a way that if you turn on the water, you are hit with a full-force blast.

So far, I have observed and heard the following things:

1. Considerable amounts of banging and turning of wrenches.
2. Water shooting up in a geyser-like fashion from the place that the faucet was once attached.
3. Water being shot across the kitchen from the sprayer, followed by the comment, “I don’t think we wanted to do that. The kitchen floor is a little bit wet.”
4. A fair amount of swearing, although that might be coming from the TV.
5. “Hmm.” “What’s that honey?” “Well, I put the faucet back together, and there just doesn’t seem to be a place for this piece to go.” “Interesting.”
6. “Do you know what you are doing?” “Suuuuure.”
7. More banging and turning of wrenches.
8. Standing back and glaring at the faucet while stating, “Why is it leaking now?”
9. “Well, I stopped the leak, but we are in no better shape than we were before.” “So essentially, you created a secondary problem and fixed it, without addressing the initial issue?” “That would be correct.” “Ok.”
10. mumblemumblesyousonofabitch.
11. “I feel totally defeated, but that was fun.”
12. “Good news! We’re getting a new faucet!!”

There is about 250,000 dollars of fancy pants college education between the two of us, but nowhere in there was a single course on plumbing. Liberal Arts education, my ass.

To my husband, I say two things:

1. If you had a book on how to fix it, I have no doubt you could do it. But I looked on Amazon and did not find a single avaliable copy of My Hose Sprayer Is Stuck in the On Position and All I got Were These Two B.A.s and a J.D. They also seem to be out of the best-selling My IQ Qualifies Me for Mensa, But What the Hell Does a Diverter Valve Look Like?

2. Some women find men who can magically fix things around the house to be especially attractive. I do not. I generally find that these are often men who like Nascar and cheap beer. Sure, if you were one of those, I would have a functioning sink. But it might also coincide with me having to possibly drink Bud Light on a regular basis, and that is something I could not handle.

For the same reason people don’t write their own wills, we don’t fix our own faucet.