100 Things

1. I’m from Pennsylvania, a northern land free of functional merge lanes and sales tax on essential items.
2. I am fiercely loyal to my home state. I am so fierce about it even Tyra Banks is scared of me.
3. I am scared of Tyra Banks.
4. I have lived in Virginia since 1997, when I came here to go to college. I’m ok with living here, but I will never call it my “home state.”
5. There aren’t enough Polish people here or any good pretzels.
6. In college, I met my husband during the first week of school while I was sort of dating his friend. His friend turned out to be an ass.
7. Our parents met each other at the very 1st parents’ weekend football game when hubs and I ran into each other.
8. I wore a straw hat, because I thought that’s what you did in the South. It’s not. This disappoints me constantly.
9. We didn’t date till junior year. We broke up for a few months.
10. When we got back together, I think I knew he was it for me. I don’t know what he thought, but I like to think it was the same thing.
11. We were engaged for almost two years, and got married when we were 23. This is mostly due to the fact that I am lazy and was trying to wear everyone down so we could elope. DIDN’T HAPPEN.
12. I’ve never looked back. Marrying him was the greatest decision I ever made.
13. We got married in the Outer Banks three days after Christmas. I can never remember my anniversary date.
14. I don’t write much about my husband because this is not his blog, it’s mine. Just know that I could not function without him. He is the only person I know who understands my particular brand of crazy.
15. We have this weird habit of sending each other emails at exactly the same moment.  It happens constantly, and it’s really cool.
16. I carry around too many electronic items in my purse. Between cell phone, blackberry, stiletto, ipod, it is excessive, but I cannot leave them at home. If you ask me to quickly locate any of them, I won’t be able to, because I carry cavernous purses that could fit a Shetland pony inside of them.
17. Oh my god, I want a pony now.
18. If you want to get me a gift, it should probably be either expensive hair products, expensive leather goods, or expensive electronics. I also like cheese. And ponies.
19. Jewelry is great, but I can’t watch Project Runway on a necklace.
20. I watch a lot of TV.
21. I think those people who “don’t watch TV” are stupid or lying, and I hate when they get all preachy. They’re not better than me because of this.
22. The best show on TV right now is Friday Night Lights.
23. I yell at people who don’t watch it, and occasionaly threaten their lives.
24. I know the words to just about every Beatles song, even the songs from the White Album.
25. My mother played nothing else while I was growing up. The Beatles songs form the soundtrack to our lives, and I miss her terribly whenever I hear them.
26. I used to ask people I interviewed who their favorite Beatle is. I think this is a good indicator of people’s working styles and personality. Never hire a Ringo. There was no HR department to regulate the questions that I asked as you can probably tell. This was a hell job.
27. I have a much better job now. I don’t have to be anyone’s boss or fire people.
28. I am appreciated at this job. I get to work from home if I want to so I can save gas.
29. The health insurance is amazing. They will pay almost the entire cost of my yearly visits to my expensive eye doctor.
30. In case you’ve never read this blog, I have a very rare and complicated eye problem. Actually, it is three non-complicated eye problems, but I have all of them at once.
31. My eye muscles are 1/3 the size they should be.
32. They also used to be all twisted together and in the wrong places.
33. I also have something called trochelar nerve palsy, which means that the nerves that send images from my eyes to my brain malfunction.
34. This causes lots of problems, but I’ve got it under control after six surgeries and lots of of other therapies. Mostly. Sometimes, it’s hard. Occasionally, it’s maddening.
35. Because of this, I am the subject of several articles in medical journals.
36. I also now have an ungodly high tolerance for pain, as part of the surgery involves you being awake.
37. I don’t understand why not everyone wants to see my eye stitches. They are wild and sexy, and if I’ve had too much to drink, I usually try to whip them out. I knew my best friend would be my friend forever when I tried to do this, and she actually wanted to see them.
38. None of this will ever kill me, so I accept it as my burden. Really. Mostly.
39. My dogs are one of the biggest sources of joy in my life.
40. They are Soft-Coated Wheaten Terriers. Every day, they are excited just to be alive.
41. I try to live this philosophy. It’s hard, because I don’t have a tail to wag.
42. I write about them a lot, because this is my blog and they can’t read and then get mad at what I write. Dogs are way better than people for that very reason. Also, they are ridiculous creatures who crack my shit up.
43. We adopted the younger one from Wheaten rescue, and was one sick baby when we got him. He was born in a puppy mill and would have died if not for the rescue organization.
44. It’s been over a year, and he is still not 100% healthy, but he loves his life. We’re lucky to have him – he stole my heart completely one night when I was giving him a bath at two am thanks to an accident that wasn’t his fault. Those accidents happened nightly for a while. I was tired and frustrated and trying not to blame him, but failing. Then, he just looked up at me with eyes full of absolute trust (and sadly, poop) and leaned his little head into my hands as I shampooed his face. I was shampooing his face because it too was covered in poop, as was the rest of him.  At two a.m. For the fourth night in a room.  That small dog could project foul things out of his body to the extent that he should have been in a circus – in Tijuana. But that moment changed things – he put his little heart in my hands along with his poop covered head.  I’ll protect him forever.
45. Our other dog is the boss of everyone she comes in contact with and probably those she’s never met. She has an overabundance of self-esteem, a lack of any sort of fear, the ability to understand things in context, and a stubborn streak rivaled only by mine.  We call her big sexy.  She’ll protect me forever.
46. I have a strange obsession with reading books about Tudor England.
47. When I have too much to drink, I start lecturing people on this topic. I usually start off by telling them that Henry VII totally gets overlooked because of his son’s notoriety.
48. I don’t talk to any of my friends from college.
49. This was a conscious choice I made, because when I got engaged, instead of being happy for me, they yelled at me.
50. That is an example of why I have trouble finding girlfriends. Women generally are not nice. I’ve tried really hard.
51. I have a few close friends. I can only handle a few, so this is fine with me.
52. I hate talking on the phone, even though I carry two of them around with me. The day I taught my parents to use instant messaging changed my life.
53. I talk to my parents and sister just about every day, usually online.
54. My sister is five years younger than I am. She is one of my best friends, and our conversations basically go “OMG OMG Scott Baio got married.” We also talk about politics a lot and other grown-up things, but mainly, it’s the Baio.
55. She and I are very accident-prone, very stubborn, and can spend the whole day together watching The West Wing.
56. We also both have really good hair.
57. I am an Aquarius.
58. I would rather not eat dinner than have to cook it. Sometimes, if my husband’s not around, I don’t bother eating because I am just that lazy.
59. I have a complicated relationship with food.
60. I hate when people ask me when I’m going to have children. The answer is that I really don’t know, so please stop asking.
61. Sometimes, I feel like less of a woman when I admit how ambivalent I am on this subject. Other times, I don’t care. It’s really hard to deal with so often, I don’t.
62. I operate out of spite and contrarianism a lot of the time. If you tell me not to do something, I will often do it. It’s totally ridiculous for someone in their third decade.
63. American history does not interest me in any way. Take that, John Adams.
64. I love the Howard Stern show more than I should.  Definitely more than John Adams.  I am also female, educated, and well-read. See contrarianism statement above.
65. I don’t have pierced ears.
66. Along with my best friend, I began a successful book club, which involves alcohol and actual book discussion. And eating. Lots of eating. Alcohol, food, and smart ladies are the keys.
67. I attended 12 years of Catholic school. It tookabout six years to recover from it after I got out.
68. I swear too much. It’s not lady-like. It’s definitely not cute. I’m trying to stop.
69. I consume too much. I’m trying to stop.
70. My husband and I have been spending a lot of time lately separating what we want from what we actually need. It’s cracy how much you think you actually need when you have extensive disposable income. That disposable income should be disposed right into your savings or retirement account. If you invest the money you’d spend on an iPhone, you’d have 17k when you retire.
71. This can be a hard concept when you are in an affluent, successful peer group full of McMansion-dwellers.  But retirement is very important to me.
72. Somehow, my father entered my body and typed that entry above. Thanks, dad.
73. We do allow ourselves a few luxuries, because for quite a while, we had to live on teacher’s/law clerk’s salaries and I had to work extra jobs and sometimes, we had to borrow money from our rich parents, which was humiliating. Because law school, it is not free, and it does not allow for much extra time for earning money.
74. However, my husband worked his ass off in school, and continues works his ass off now, and I do the same, so we do go on vacation and buy nice shampoo. I also have a very bad shoe habit.
75. This is somewhat mitigated by the fact that I also have VERY LARGE FEET. Stores very rarely carry my size. I tell people I have big feet, they say, no you don’t, you’re just saying that. Then they look down and are silent.
76. That’s ok with me, because global warming will soon flood our planet, and we will have to swim everywhere. I was blessed with two large paddles attached to my ankles, so laugh all you want now. When those ice caps melt, I will leave you in my dust.
77. I am scared of ventriloquist dummies and small enclosed spaces.
78. I love medical programs where they show people’s insides.  Especially Mystery Diagnosis.
79. If you have some weird symptoms going on, you should probably call me.  I watch this shit constantly.
80. I also have watched every episode of ER from the pilot.  This is the longest commitment I’ve made in my entire life, and even though it sucks now, I can’t stop watching.
81. Because of this, I feel I am an actual doctor.  I could totally give you a tracheotomy with a ball-point pen.  Call me!  Especially if you are TV’s Dr. Doug Ross.
82. In any crisis not involving a close family member or my dogs, I am your woman.  Somehow, my lack of common sense and spaciness disappear and I rule the situation.  Unless you are my family or my dog and then I fall to pieces and imagine the worst and possibly need to be medicated and put in a straight jacket.
83. My husband is a saint.  See above.  He knows exactly when to tell me to calm the f down.
84. I am lactose intolerant.  I love cheese.  It’s rough.
85. Fall is my favorite season, as the weather is perfect, I can’t crash my car because of ice, and it is full of beer festivals.  I hate being hot; I’m still not used to summers here, and I always forget how bad it can get.
86. I write about a lot of superficial things, and I complain a lot on this blog.  I’m less shallow and whiny in real life, but let’s be honest.  You don’t want to read about what I think about the presidential election, or interest rates, or other important things that may in face affect your life.  You come for the discussion on Britney’s underpants, but you stay because I have the courage to put tapered-leg pants on notice.
87. Also, in real life, I am a stickler for grammatical correctness.  Usually, I write blog entries while trying to hold my head up at the end of the night after saving people with ball-point pen tracheotomies and paddling across lakes with my flipper-feet , so forgive me if the comma goes in the wrong spot.
88. Dwight Schrute is my favorite fictional character of all time.  He passed Dorian Grey and Jo Marsh on the list a long time ago.  My English professors would be mortified.
89. Yellow has been my favorite color for as long as I can remember.
90. I was a high school English teacher for a while.  I ruled that job, but I got bored after six months.  The SOLs have ruined our educational system and have produced a generation of students who know how to study but not how to learn.  Wait, I got serious there for a minute. BRITNEY SPEARS UNDERPANTS.  Better?
91. The best place I’ve ever been to is Jackson, Wyoming.  Random, yes, but it’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen.  There are luxury spas to enjoy, you land in an airport located in a national park full of giant mountains, and there are bison and moose all over the place.  Like, on the road while you’re driving to dinner.  Like a bunch of deer, but they are huge bison that could kill you.  There’s a supervolcano nearby.
92. I am obsessed with and terrified by the supervolcano under Yellowstone, and I looked it in the face.  I’m pretty sure it looked back at me and laughed manaically.  Just google it and be afraid.
93. It’s clearly becoming apparent that I watch the Discovery Channel way too often.
94. I’m a little freaky and weird, but mostly hot and nerdy.
95. My toes are long enough and strong enough to break your fingers.  Don’t mess.
96. i love going to zoos.
97. I wear men’s watches because I like big numbers and the feeling of something substantial on my wrist.  I’ve been doing this for years and getting laughed at for years.  Now, it is high fashion.  This pisses me off just a little, but I don’t want Anna Wintour to come to my house and suck my soul out of my body with her bob of power, so I’ll let her think it’s her idea.
98. The scars on my left hand are from a freak amusement park accident.  I’m serious.
99. I am a news junkie.  I have a non-related crush on Anderson Cooper that started back when he was on Channel One.  I don’t care that he is possibly gay.  He hosted The Mole, and that’s enough for me.
100. I love my life.